It’s Been a Blur and Thank You

My dear, dear Friends (Family, you are included under that category),

You know me. You’ve known me. And you’ve stayed by me all this time.

This post has lain dormant in my mind for many months now. Shapeless and undefined, it gathered dust and cobwebs in the far reaches of my conscience. All that was clear is that I wanted to thank you. Only God knows how blessed I have felt this past year having you in my life. He knows how you have made my life beautiful, filled my heart with joy, and helped me to smile inside even if I was crying on the outside. He knows because I thanked Him for you. But I also want to thank You.

Even now, I wish I had the perfect words to express how important you have been to me. I don’t want to rehash the past, but I want to explain.

I have to thank you for dropping everything and coming to our side to just show your support. The miles you drove, the miles you flew, the first-day-of-a-new-job you postponed, the days you spent was a showering of love I never imagined. For two months we didn’t have to cook a single meal because you fed us.

After our little Elise passed, I was filled with questions, regrets, wishes, sadness, self-doubt, anguish… And you did something so simple. You asked me how I was doing. When I told you I was fine, you said no, I want to know how you really feel. And then you did it. You let me tell you. I know now how difficult it was to go there, to dare ask me that question and really mean it. But I had no idea then how much that would help me.

By digging into my darkness you allowed my fears, worries, and sadness to surface and eventually fly away. You let me cry to you and even apologized multiple times for “making” me cry. You saw me bawl on your kitchen floor and listened silently, crying along with me – your silent listening was the biggest hug I got. You joined me many times at her little garden and brought her flowers. You let me mourn… You let me mourn.

Mourning was the way I could shed my grief. Had I kept all those thoughts and feelings to fester inside I can only imagine how I would have eaten myself up. But you didn’t let me go there and for that I am forever Thankful.

You have all been so gentle and patient with me. Please know that the past year is mostly a blur for me. As I went through pictures from the past 2 years, I shook my head in disbelief because so many of the earlier memories felt like they were only last year instead of 2 years ago. It has hit me multiple times now that the past year feels like a floating ghost of a dream – I’m not sure how much of that year I will remember. I think I will call it my lost year.

So, if I have forgotten to thank you personally, if I have fallen off the edge of the world, please forgive me. With baby Ilus (Eee-loosh) in my arms I am waking from my slumber and peeling the cobwebs off my mind. I am dusting myself off and standing up again. I am opening my windows and soaking in the sunshine!

And I am so, so thankful for you.

Life is Beautiful!

With so much love,

Andrea