I was not sure I’d ever post it but today I was motivated and inspired so here it is.
We are coming full circle and are excited, nervous, and paranoid (that would be me) about expecting again. It’s been an exhausting journey in so many ways and if you asked me right now if I could do this again I’m not sure what I would answer you. Knowing me, I’d probably say yes, but I have certainly had my doubts.
About 6 weeks ago our high-risk doctor told me “and you probably want to induce this one early.” “Oh, I hadn’t really thought of that,” I told her. All I remembered was how much longer and stressful delivering Isabel, who was induced, was compared with delivering Thomas or Elise. “Well, you may begin to get really anxious around 37 weeks and given your history, this one will just be a ‘nudge.’ I promise.”
Oh, in that case – yes! – please induce me!
So, because we are not sure when my exact due-date is (it could be anywhere between June 29th and July 6th) we could have our next baby in 8.5 to 12.5 weeks, depending on how we choose to go. Hmmm….
Now that I have this out, I will say I am READY to hold a baby in my arms. VERY READY. I honestly don’t remember what it is like to take care of a newborn, but I hear it is something like riding a bicycle. There is also a strange feeling inside me that makes me think having one in my arms is something left only for my imagination. It is difficult to explain.
I want to tell you that I am happy to be expecting. But the truth is that feeling has now been reserved. To say, “of course I am happy to be expecting!” kind of rings hollow in my ears. Circumstances and experience have changed meanings of feelings for me.
This is not to say that I am not happy in general. I am and I hope one day I can write more about this line of thought. Until then, here we are, expecting our next little one. Boy or girl? Only one person in the world knows and I will simply have to enjoy torturing her until the day we meet our newest child.
This entire pregnancy I have reminded myself to do a maternity self-portrait. I did the same while pregnant with Elise but I kept saying, “tomorrow.” Obviously, I regret that very much and hoped not to repeat that mistake.
After taking the kids swimming today, I heard rain was coming tomorrow, which meant clouds in the sky. I called up my mom and said, “I think I want to try to do this shot at the beach today,” and she said she’d come with me. Of course, at about 4pm I was really tired and wanted to bail but I reminded myself that I had to do this, especially since I already measure an obscene 44 inches around and didn’t want to wait until I looked totally ridiculous. (I mean, c’mon, with 2 months and 3 weeks to go how big am I going to get?! It’s crazy.)
So, here I am – 27.5 or 28.5 weeks pregnant!